


the privilege of being yours

by outphan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Brother Feels, Love Confessions, M/M, Memories, Monologue, Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Video (Phandom)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 06:02:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21908650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/outphan/pseuds/outphan
Summary: On Valentine's Day in 2010, Dan receives a video.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 11
Kudos: 52
Collections: Phandom Fic Fests Holiday Exchange 2019





	the privilege of being yours

**Author's Note:**

  * For [phansuniteinluv](https://archiveofourown.org/users/phansuniteinluv/gifts).



> This is for the PFF Holiday Exchange, written for [Sophia](https://phansuniteinluv.tumblr.com/)! I know this isn't exactly what you were hoping for, but I hope you still like it! 
> 
> I know this isn't the time to post Valentine's Day fics, but oh well!
> 
> The title is from Turning Page by Sleeping at Last.

Dan wakes to some noises that seem to engulf him. For a second, he thinks he’s home and the neighbours are redoing their house _again_. Then, he thinks he’s at Phil’s and his dad is doing something. But as he regains some consciousness, he remembers he’s in India and the sounds he’s hearing are insects and nature. He scoffs and pulls his throw over his shoulders as he turns to the other side, determined to get some more sleep.

But it doesn’t come. He rubs his eyes with a yawn as he stares at the wall in the dimly lit room for a few seconds. Then he realises. Valentine’s Day.

He sits up in his bed with dizzying speed, as he grabs his laptop. Thankfully it’s still next to him after the Skype session he had last night with Phil. He anxiously fidgets with his hands as he waits for the old machine to boot up. Skype and MSN slowly log in; he doesn’t expect Phil to be awake since it’s almost 5 in the morning there, but Dan figured he would leave a nice little message for him.

But as the messages come in from his other friends, Dan sees Phil’s name lighting up. There’s one single message waiting for him that reads: ‘Happy Valentine’s Day, Dan’ and link to a YouTube video.

Dan fully expects it to be a rickroll. How could he not? He knows and Phil knows it would make his day a lot better and Dan would simply reply with a link to All Star by Smash Mouth.

But instead, what he finds is a 3 minute 25 seconds long video, uploaded by Phil. Dan notices it’s private which intrigues him.

Before he presses play on the video, he stares at Phil through the screen. His messy black hair and kind eyes seem to take Dan home which is exactly what he needs. But he also sees Phil’s unmade bed and he wishes he was there instead.

So he watches the video, listening to Phil’s voice as he talks about the memories they’ve been making, the love they’ve been cultivating. Their relationship. Then Dan rewatches again. And again. And again, but this time with tears in his eyes. He really loves this man. His man.

He types out a message in reply: ‘Thank you, babe, I love you so much, you’re the most wonderful person I know and I miss you so so so much I can’t wait to be home and…’ Dan trails off, watching the cursor blink relentlessly, seemingly laughing at him.

So he deletes the message and stands up, going to his bag to get his camera. He knows the only good reply here is a video. His bedroom is next to his parents who still don’t know. About him and his relationship with Phil. They suspect there’s something there; you’d have to be absolutely clueless about everything to not even have the slightest idea. But there’s one thing they most definitely don’t know about this thing. Dan’s not ready to share that with them, so he takes his camera to the bathroom to film the response video.

He balances the camera on the edge of the sink, while he sits on the edge of the bathtub. The camera, it’s a small one, thankfully, ideal for vlogging and taking pictures on holidays. And making a response video to the best Valentine’s Day video ever.

He hits records and stares into the lens for a few long seconds, gathering his thoughts. Then he takes a shaky, trembling breath and whispers, “I have never loved anyone more than I love you.”

“Hi, Phil, happy Valentine’s day. I’m certainly having the happiest one. It was so nice to wake up to your video, thank you. I loved it and I love you. So much. You are… the best person and I mean that. I loved walking down memory lane. We definitely need more of those three-hour breakfasts and sneaky kisses in the cinema. Just… maybe without the 3D glasses this time. But I love all the memories and I want to keep making them with you.”

“Since you listed your favourite memories, it’s only fair for me to list them as well. I hope that if I have the chance to make a video like this in a year or a decade, the list will be even longer. I hope it’ll include some impossible memories. If I were you that would include a trip to the first space zoo, but maybe you get to mention that memory.”

Dan laughs a bit and continues. “So, the memories. You mentioned the Halloween Gathering and how we went off to get food. Then we sat on the fountain and we got these shit chips and you started throwing them, but you’re so clumsy so we missed all of it but we didn’t care. We had fun and you were laughing and I started falling in love with you there and then.”

“I wish I could do those Paint illustrations but I want to send this to you before you wake up so just imagine me inserting some right here.”

“I love it when you make me laugh. I know that you do it on purpose, whenever I have a shit day. You just tell me these awful jokes that I have no choice but to laugh at and when I do you have this happy smile on your face and you feel like you’ve succeeded. God, I love you so much for that Phil.”

“Remember when we were in bed watching Buffy? And you kept saying just one more episode and I let you bribe me with popcorn and kisses and the next thing we realised was that it was 5 in the morning. But I had to go home so we decided to get a bus to Manchester at 7 and we had coffee and watched the sunrise? You said you were a dragon and said that everyone is a dragon and that’s why we see our breaths when it’s cold. You’re such a dork but it makes me love you even more. Maybe next time don’t keep me up until 5 and if you do, it won’t be for Buffy.”

Dan smiles to himself, letting his brain flood his heart with memories. He’s reminded of all the senses that come with this relationship he’s got going on with Phil. This holiday came at the worst time possible.

“I’ve never had a proper Valentine’s Day, you know. I mean, ‘course I did, but it wasn’t good. I guess I still haven’t had one either, seeing we’re divided by thousands of miles and a couple of timezones. I wish you were here Phil. Or I was there. If…” Dan pauses, not for the theatrics of it, but rather to calm his racing mind. He knows this is a big if, about a future that might not happen. “If we’re still together this time next year, you have to let me make it a big deal. It’ll be like one of those romcoms. I’ll get a boombox and some fancy chocolate I can’t afford, okay?” Dan chuckles a bit. “What are you doing to my head, you’re making me this super romantic person and I don’t like it.” He leans closer to the camera and whispers, “I do, but if anyone asks, I’ll deny it. God, Phil, you make me a better person. You make my life so much better, I can’t wait to kiss you again.”

“That reminds me, we have to go back on the Manchester Eye ‘cause you promised me there would be kisses and so far only one happened and that was fucking awkward, wasn’t it? I wanted you to like me so much and that very first kiss, I was so scared that you wouldn’t.”

“I think you’d give a look right now and say something dorky and you’d make me laugh and then you’d kiss my neck and I would fall in love with you again and my list would be forgotten. God, I love you, you idiot.”

“I can’t wait for it to be summer so we can spend some time together under the stars. I want it to be the dead of night when everyone else is asleep and everything around us is just ours and I can hold your hand or kiss you without being seen.”

“You are such a wonderful person, Phil. You’re so kind and caring and I love you so much. You love me in spite of everything I am and there are times that even the thought of that makes me want to cry my eyes out. I know I have moments or, like, days even when I hate everything, me most of all, but you still keep on loving me. You believe in me during that time so I don’t have to. You are the bestest person ever and I know that’s not a legit word but I don’t care. I love you so fucking much.”

Dan shivers, the cold acrylic of the bathtub against his thighs. “When we’re apart, I feel like my skin is ice-cold. I feel like the only relief from that coldness is your burning touch and fuck, I can’t stop thinking about you.” He subconsciously scratches his stomach, imagining Phil’s hand on his skin. “I can’t stop thinking about you and I definitely can’t stop thinking about all the naughty stuff we’ve done. God, I miss you, I can’t wait to…” Dan lets his voice trail off and instead, a suggestive smile appears. Phil will know.

The real reason is, he doesn’t want his parents to hear it. Of course who would want to hear about their son’s sex life, but it’s more than that. He’s not out to his parents still, and the rate this is going, he won’t ever be. 

Dan pauses for a second to fiddle with the shower curtain, then continues. “I hate that we can’t be properly together. I want to be able to sit on the sofa with you, watching some shitty reality we don’t really care about and hold your hand. I know we can do that with Kath and Nigel, but I want to be able to do that with mine as well.” He sighs. “I know I’m the one who could change anything about that, but you know my dad. I know he lo… I think he loves me and he wouldn’t care, but you heard him. I just want to make sure that they’ll treat you properly if I ever tell them.”

“I feel like such a fucking coward. I can’t even tell my parents. I want to, I hope you know that. I’m so proud of you and us and I want everyone to know, but I’m such a fucking coward. I don’t care about their acceptance or anything, they’ve never been good at that. I mean mum was, whenever she had time for me, but not my dad, not really. But I want to tell her all about you and the date we had that day or just gush about my boyfriend.”

Dan pauses again and smiles, that negative moment is suddenly gone. “I love that word. Boyfriend. I love that. You are my boyfriend and I love you. God, boyfriend. I might be scared of the ‘g’ word after all the shit but I’m definitely not scared of my love for you.”

“Anyway, I close this video on that note. I miss you so much, I can’t wait to be in your bed again. I love you. Happy Valentine’s Day, Phil. You made my day, week, life with that video. I love you. I’ll be home soon. I love you.”

Dan stops the recording, only realising the teardrops on his cheeks. He holds his camera in his hands for a couple of minutes, bawling his eyes out. He really loves Phil and in moments like these, he misses him the most.

Once his tears are spent, he stands. He needs to send this video to Phil quickly so he can go back and rewatch the video he got. But when he opens the door of the bathroom, he runs into Adrian. 

His brother immediately focuses on the camera and raises an eyebrow. Dan can’t blame him. He knows how a teenage boy’s brain works (even though his kept malfunctioning) and this definitely looks shady.

“What were you doing in the bathroom with a camera?” Adrian asks, without even saying hi.

“Your mum,” Dan replies automatically.

“Ew! She’s your mum, too.”

Dan cringes. Yep, he should’ve thought about that.

“Just some uh… pictures.”

“Uh-huh.”

This is not going well for Dan. He has to say the truth because every other possible answer sounds dodgy. Except, he can’t tell the truth.

Or can he?

“You know Phil?”

“The one with the emo hair? The one you spent the last two years obsessing over?”

“I did not!” He did.

“Yeah, what about him?”

Dan plays with the strap of the camera. He’s very fiddly this morning. Then a rush of bravery hits him as if he’s got something to share and he just can’t hide it any longer.

“He’s my… boyfriend,” he blurts, watching Adrian’s every reaction.

“Oh, that’s cool.” He doesn’t sound surprised at all.

There’s an awkward pause. The aircon is rumbling, birds are calling, insects are chirping, but the silence is heavy and uncomfortable. For Dan, at least.

“So are you like… okay with that?”

Adrian squints. “Are you?”

Dan blinks. He just stares at Adrian, kind of zoning out. He doesn’t think about what his brother said, but Dan instead wonders when that little person he used to push on the swing grew up. Or when he became so annoyingly truthful.

“Yeah, of course. I love him.”

“I know.” Adrian gives him a small, reassuring smile. “Do they know?”

Dan doesn’t have to ask who he means. ‘They’ do not know. By the looks of it, ‘they’ won’t know for a while. The past issues are still there. ‘He’ said things, jokingly of course, but those things always have something real behind them, don’t they? And ‘she’ never stood up, protecting her son, not the way it mattered.

“I don’t think he’d understand.”

“I know.” There’s silence between them again. They said what needed to be said, but now neither of them are moving. Dan needs to go and send the video to Phil and Adrian needs to go to… do whatever he needs to do. But after the conversation they just had, they aren’t sure how to move forward. “Hey, I was thinking, we could do some gaming today.”

Dan chuckles. “Now that will definitely freak them out.”

Adrian laughs as well and starts walking away. But he looks back at Dan and says, “I’m happy for you, really.”

“Thanks, it means a lot.”

Dan makes his way back to his room, feeling lighter. Today will be a good day. 

* * *

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” Phil whispers in his ear, then kisses his temple.

Dan grunts. It’s not happy. It’s the opposite of happy. It feels like it’s 5 am and Phil’s too excited again and he woke him up. 

“No,” he mumbles, determined to fall back asleep.

“Come on, love.”

With another grunt, he blinks his eyes open. It’s semi-dark in their bedroom, but he can still make out Phil’s features. Dan smiles involuntarily. God, he’s still so fucking in love with him. 

“Happy Valentine’s Day,” he replies softly.

Over the past ten years, the day has evolved into a quiet night in with a home-cooked dinner, a bottle of wine and some flowers Phil’s always determined to get.

“So, I was thinking…”

“Always a bad idea.”

“Shush, you.” Phil kisses his cheek. “We could do something. Like, have a proper date.”

“I’d love that.” Dan stretches a bit. “But also, since it’s the tenth anniversary of our first Valentine’s Day…”

“Oh no.”

“... we could rewatch the video you made me.”

Phil rolls his eyes, but Dan’s got his charming smile on so he can’t say no. He gets his laptop to start the video.

Dan feels utterly loved and he loves Phil with the same passion he did ten years ago. Today is a good day. 

**Author's Note:**

> you can follow me on tumblr [@outphan](http://outphan.tumblr.com)
> 
> if you liked the fic, you can like/reblog it [here](https://outphan.tumblr.com/post/189991459224/the-privilege-of-being-yours)


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